Moving!

To my other blog. For the most part. 

slickcement.wordpress.com

I Would Never Recognize

things are different since the

lights went on

something settled on my

mind

is made up

away from these lonely

hotel rooms and

crowded streets

and all the while listening

for

night to fall into

a bigger hole

i dug for

the bodies of the secrets

we’ve stuck in our closets let

rotten stories

out in the open for

air

smells like tears and the

quilt my grandma made

years

have passed since i last forgot

where i’d parked my mind or my i car

i don’t

know how i got to this city i don’t

recognize

so fill up my mind with the

lies i’ve forgotten

the door’s always open

for the rain to wash away the dust.

gathered like kids to the matches flame

i’m not the same anymore

i’m not sure if it counts

i’m not sure if you’re

listening

i’m not the best but i try

i’d rather watch your mouth form the words

and guess

by your hands and your eyes

what the fuck you were trying to say

you were never good anyway

so

write it down

tie it up

spread it out

stuff it in

they’re just words

i don’t know what they mean i just

want to clean up

and i want to go home and i

think that i love you

what’s your name again

so take down my name and the sins i’ve committed

and fill up a glass

lets drink to all of the

misfortunes

of falling asleep while you

walk or drive or love or cry

or try and try and try to live

cause i’m

so tired of sleep

What about me?

Does she drive you wild?
Or just mildly free…

What about me?

Do you often think of me through the day?
Do I cross your mind when the busy daily traffic of troubles and tasks somehow slips from your mind?

Significance.

I wish…

Your hands on my face.
Your lips on my hands.
Our bodies layered in between the sheets.

Beauty in the form of simplicity.

We fight.
We complicate.
We try to make things better.

Simple fingers.
Simple questions.
Requests.
Am I tethered to the phone again, hoping to hear your voice drip across the line?

Does she…
Love you the way I did?
The way I would?

Beautiful child, you are…
We made…
You want to be…

I’ve got you and your fences for when I want them.
I’ve got your face to cross my mind when I’m lonely.

But is it ever enough?
For either of us?

Because I love you too much
For you to ever be that second thought
And you love me too much…
To ever be the second option.

Am I the princess you dream of?

Or the complication that gets in the way
Of growing up?

Do you wait?
Do I contemplate the existence of something more than conflict and the seldom reached resolution.

Are we anything more than emotion connected to song and verse to eachother?

“For a minute there, I lost myself…”

Did you ever lose yourself in my memory?

I emerge myself in yours…

In ours.

For lullabies unsung.

We would’ve had a daughter.

Do you know how old she would’ve been?
Four months on the twentieth.

She visited me in my dreams last night. Do you dream of her?

Blonde curls…like mine were when I was a baby. And eyes like yours…like the sea after a storm.

She was beautiful. I held her in my arms…for however long my dream lasted. She was a beautiful baby…a perfect little girl.

I’ve always known she would’ve been a girl.

Her lips were shaped like mine. But full like yours…the color of raspberries.

You would’ve fallen in love.

With her.

I hear the sea.

I miss my baby. It’s been almost a year. Since I felt her. Knew she was there. Loved the life inside of me. Understood the weight…of loving like a mother does. I’ll never know otherwise.

I can’t look at a baby without seeing her.

Tiny little fingers. Perfection.

The beautiful…flawless…innocent smile. Innocent in every way.

I wonder how much she would’ve recognized our voices.

Did she know what we sounded like?

Would she have recognized our touch?

I want to weep. I want her back. I want the us back that was three. That was you. Me. And our perfect angel.

She slept so well.

My dream was harsh when I woke up.

Even my mother was there.

The way she used to be.

The person you would’ve loved.

And our baby…was perfection.

Complete perfection.

I can’t even begin to…comprehend…any of it.

I just want her.

I know that when I am blessed with motherhood…

You’ll never have a part in it.

I hope she at least blesses you with her presence in your dreams.

And I hope that you sleep better than I.

Good morning, Good night

What are love games? 
The playful mornings spent tangled
Sprawled across beds
Legs laced with blankets
And soft sunshine kisses?

Our legs Fit.
Puzzle pieces, and
Memory games.  

I drink in your smile
Like tea with honey.
Sweet and fragrant,
And warming.
And encircling me in
Home.

Slow-motion.
Black eyelashes brush
Rosebud cheeks in long,
Gentle blinks.
And lips
hold together
And we whisper secrets
Into eachothers’ smiles.

I hold
Five fingers
In between my own.
My tendons laced with yours.
My flesh clinging to your bones.
Your heart
Clinging to my soul.

I wrap your arm
Under my neck
And around my shoulder
And draw the blankets up close,
My ears drink
The soft, warm patter of springtime rain
I bathe in the haven
Of your skin
Holding me together
And exhale the day
To make room for dreams.

Run

Springtime breeze,
Kiss my cheek
Familiar, hazy lover.

Windows open, garage door open.
Sitting in the driveway playing you lovesongs
Wind picking up the hem of my skirt,
Pulling at the curls in my hair.

I know your pockets
Overflow,
With cigarettes and shiny copper things,
Spare keys, and my love notes. 

And your hands overflow into mine
Playful summer promises to visit soon.
And melodies promise to bend down to completion.

It’s easier to laugh and be safe.
It’s easier to make fun and games.
It’s easier to love.

Starting over,
The world wakes and sighs. 

And I knew,
When I couldn’t imagine summer without you,
That I was in love.

Pulse

Rememorize the shape of your face
And the delicate way your lips gently curve
My troubled thoughts
Momentarily interrupted by my body inhaling the sound
Of your voice
As you weave another bullshit kind of story
With sound effects and space ships
I’m only half listening

Back in the clouds of my mind
As propriety and lust
And all sense of decernment
Rolled and fought
My tongue and my fingers
My shoulders and lips
A mess of crossed wires
And a ball of electricity

Our bodies
Touch.

The way that simply saying they touch
Sends a jolt up your spine
And your fingertips tingle
In nervous anticipation

And still you turn away.
Recieved with the slightest of motions
in the opposite direction.

I taste of rejection.

But I’ve opened the door.
In movement and contact.
Not just with the glances we send
Longing for the others lips.
And getting caught as we bring our eyes back up.

Pulses quicken,
Eyes connect, turn away, and connect again
Hands fiddle clumsily
In attempt to act naturally.
And minds both seek out distraction
And replay that brush with sin.

Redemption

Give me your sins
And I’ll turn them into my savior.
I can take your burden
And find my redemption. 

We both find darkness
In breaking and having to begin anew
And I find light
In starting again.

Caged, beautiful thing,
Let me be the wings you long for
I desire to stay close to the ground
Take my freedom,
I hardly want it anymore.

Candle in my hand
Fire in your heart.
Beast I have turned into
Salvation and Grace

The only prayers I’ve had to offer
Answered by one
Who doesn’t believe in any God

Love like brand new
Fear as ever before
Both comforted
By holding of hands
As we turn distress
Into peace. 

And the fondest of them bittersweet.

I am riddled with sarcasm. I am drunk with confusion.
You’ve never been what I’ve needed.
You don’t want to be what I’ve wanted.

For all of our beautiful, twisted mistakes.
For all of these memories we’ve created…
The fondest of them barely savored enough to be bittersweet

 Words shouted out of cars
Cars parked out of context
Get into our separate cars and leave…leave
Get out of the grey and into our cars and…

Do I long to see you again?
Do you even want to see you again?
Microscopic attraction

Fading fire
Play with the biting dogs
Dragging around the hem of my dress
Stop peering through my keyhole now

transferring this from my personal blog, reflectivenyx. It seems to belong with the rest of my writing.

Cutout Reality

I sleep on the right side of the bed. 
I try to, anyway.
There are those nights
It almost hurts inside
To sleep alone on a bed made big enough for two. 

If I can find a way to push your face
Out of my every day thoughts
Will it finally turn around
and walk out of my subconscious life as well? 

Solitary mornings. 
Quiet. Cold.
Like driving in a beating rain
Feeling somewhat alienated
Somehow feeling misplaced
Wishing I had someone to share
Covers
Shower
Breakfast [toast and eggs] with

And that empty feeling
Waking up from a dream…a memory
And that sad realization
I’ll never wake up tangled with your body again.

All the odd little habits we as people are forced to adopt
In order to live with the people we love.
Pulling my hair all above my head
So you could sleep with your face nestled in the back of my neck
And I’d feel the quiet kiss of your lips on my skin

Trying to recreate life
Work. Home. Friends.
Lovers.
Everything feeling plastic.
Too coordinated.
Too forced.

And that feeling of home,
Left on 56th street.
With the kitchen we made love in
As often as we’d fight in it.

I sleep.
When I can.

Which isn’t often anymore.
Life is cut of cardboard.
Stiff and artificial.
My breathing feels out of place.